I have gotten to the point where it doesn’t hurt anymore
The lies,
The betrayal,
The uncertainty of tomorrow.
I have gotten to the point the tears don’t fall anymore,
Tears of sadness,
Of heartbreak.
Of the unreliability of man.
I have gotten to the point nothing means anything,
Anymore.
Not the pain,
Or even the joy of the morrow.
I have gotten to the point I feel nothing,
See nothing,
Believe nothing,
Because humanity has taken from me all that I can believe in.
You feel the tears well at the back of your eyes,
You feel the knots in your throat,
Knots that mean one thing only,
The tears are coming and they are coming enmasse.
But you can’t afford to let the dam burst open,
Because you are supposed to be strong.
You want to yell and scream at the world,
You want to lash out and find that closure,
You want to be able to curl up and just let go,
You want to be able to cry without holding back,
But you can’t afford to fall apart,
Because you are supposed to be strong.
So you keep it locked up inside you.
The hurt, the pain, the sadness,
It gets worse but it doesn’t matter,
You hold it all inside you because,
There are a million people watching, and
Because you are supposed to be strong.
You hold it all in cos that is what is expected.
You can’t admit you are on the path to depression,
You can’t tell anyone about it,
Because depression is an oyinbo disease,
Because Africans, Nigerians don’t get depressed,
Because they are supposed to be strong.
Until that faithful day when those barriers
Cannot hold back the dam and the dam bursts open,
And you take your last breath
Because you decide to end it all,
End this hurt and pain and sadness,
Because you can only be so strong for so long.
Why can’t I get you out of my head?
Why can’t I not remember you?
Why do I see your face in every other guy’s?
Why does my mind play only memories of you?
It’s hard thinking of nothing but you
It’s even harder cos these songs remind me of you
When the song comes on
All I hear is your voice singing along
Your smile as you sing along
The way your eyes dance as you hum the lines
The steadiness and easy sway as you dance to them
The heavenly deep throated hum
It’s funny how I finally get to write about love and it’s not about trying to find you
Or about finally finding you and wanting you never to leave
It’s about getting you and having to watch you leave
Help me to forget you
This torture is more than I can bear
Help me to let go
Why can’t I forget you?
Why can’t I not remember you?
Another youth cut in his prime,
Another dream cut short,
Another night being black is a crime,
Another night injustice’s metered at the court.
Another mother’s tears free flowing,
Another nation shaken, broken,
Another wife sentenced to mourning,
Another child’s life taken.
The screens are filled with blood,
The world’s filled with hate,
The world’s ravaged by flood,
Too much pain for my heart to accommodate.
The news is heartbreaking,
Tv off, I shut it all out.
Headsets on, music banging,
I can’t bear to watch, so I shut it all out.
This is an abridged version of a poem I wrote sometime in 2008 for an HIV awareness poetry competition. The original is quite longer. Just found it and I thought to share with you. Enjoy
She decided to be alone,
To be alone was what she wanted.
If only they had known,
She would never have been invited.
Foolishly, they sought her out,
And now we have to pay the price,
Of what we know naught about
‘Cos now her heart’s cold as ice.
Mercilessly, she takes out our potential greatests,
Slowly she kills our best dancers,
Erasing those who could have been our finest.
For this puzzle so compelling, we have no answers.
But the battle is not over yet,
Together we would fight her out,
Until our victorious yearnings are met,
And this aluta of ours won without a doubt.
What do you think?
Heart’s near tearing the ribcage,
Things are turning ugly fast,
Last sight of normalcy was probably ice age,
Ah! The quiet crawls in at last!
This silence so pleasing to my ears.
The sound of nothing; what soothing music!
Then quick as it came it disappears,
It leaves again; just classic.
Why I’m so scared, I do not know,
This meaningless fear I can’t explain.
With every sound it continues to grow,
From piercing my soul,this monster can’t refrain.
Pain and hurt covered with smiles,
No one has to know how much I suffer inside.
Hurt cannot be smelth from a million miles
So my feelings are not so hard to hide.
Tears overflow the bank of my eyes,
Hot salty tears that sting so bad.
Still…the fear only intensifies.
When did this become of my life,
When was it ruled by this monster,
When’d it become a place despair was rife?
Sanity awaits the end of its revelry
Just one answer I need in this earthly hell,
One choice to make in all of this insanity,
Am I to yell or not to yell?
At that moment I realize,
That the smile on your face, the glistening in your eyes ,
Does not mean you love me.
That the beauty of your words, the beauty in your words does not mean you care.
At that moment I realize,
That the beauty in me is greater than the beauty you see.
That I deserve better than you give,
I deserve to be happy, be free.
And at that moment I realize,
This ends here
I’m finally free
Meenah's musings 