Hey dear…(Am I allowed to call you that? Dear?)This whole email thingy still feels really weird…heck even the way we met is weird-ish.Then again, I’m the queen of weird and so are you. Cheers to the freaking Weirdazoids (say did you ever watch that Freakazoid cartoon?)
Anyways,’twas an “as usual” day today. When I woke up this morning I thought it was a perfect day to work on my designs. I was soooo excited that I ditched a proper meal for a meagre meal of oats and bread…oh yeah fried eggs too. This might seem like a proper meal to you but it really is trash plus I had so little! (I mean, what do you call a bowl of oats, 8 slices of bread and 4 eggs and a bottle of coke…coke’s always my choice cos I feel its more gassy..that’s just me sha). Anyways, I decided to get to work (without even taking a bath) and I was freaking stuck! Pencil-in-hand, pad-on-the-table, no-ideas-coming stuck! No inspiration, no motivation, NOTHING!
First sheet ended up in the bin..so did the second. Subsequently I just started scibbling all over the sheet, ripping them apart and flushing the pieces down the toilet.
Darned strike! I woulda had something to keep me busy if school wasn’t on compulsory “holiday”. Honestly, if I continue this way I’d bloody blow up! And my eating habits aren’t helping matters.In the past few years I’ve gradually switched from a perfect hourglass size 6 to a shapeless size 16 fatso! *sigh* Back when I was literally to die for and all top modelling agencies around wanted me on board. Now no-one’s even looking at me…even the dumb models I used to design clothes for (yeah I was that good..started at 15 and became a “boss designer” like my mumu friend’ll call it by 20). Now I’m 21 and I’m a nothing! It hurts you know. Being all that and now a zero! Plus mum and dad have refused to come home. I miss them a lot. I can’t even talk to them is the annoying thing. Everyone’s turned their backs on me. So I just left…upped and moved somewhere else…here. You’re about the only one I’ve got. Gotta ex now,sweets….Trisha’s on air and the only thing I think can cure this crazy feeling is the craziness on today’s show.
Dear is just fine,pal. Nah, cartoons without princesses weren’t really my thing…the dresses..the tiaras and all. Our meeting wasn’t weird abeg. It was more of a …umm…destiny? We’ve been exchanging emails for what? 2 months now? And you still haven’t gotten this “its weird” talk outta that crazy lil head of yours.
I think I understand what you’re going through. It’s not easy dealing with the loss of something you’ve always had. We have a lot more in common than I initially thought, you know. We have both lost something and we’re both searching for ourselves. Isn’t that funny?
You’re being too hard on yourself…ease up a little,love. Your weight? Forget that thing o babe. You’re probably bothered cos you weren’t always big. I’m big, bold and incredibly beautiful. Been a 16 for as long as I remember. If you wanna model you can..well, maybe not pageantry or runway. Wait sef, things are changing jo, big categories go still come. But you do have to work on your binge eating.
On the reals tho,I totally get you. There are some days I hate myself. I hate that I can’t pull off some trendy pieces I woulda loved to.I make myself happy by saying all I just told you. D whole confidence thingy is just a big farce.
The funny thing is, even with this baggage a lot of guys still want me..the way I am… Fatso, using your words. It should be the other way round. Me begging for attention and love and them rejecting me. Instead I’m the one doing the rejecting and it’s all cos I don’t feel lovable.I don’t feel I deserve love. I feel so worthless. I think the guys are all out to get me..like it’s a game or something. No matter how much they profess their “undying” love, I always feel they’re jusy lying. I want to be able to love back tho. I’m scared, frustrated and angry. And I keep having these scary nightmares.
You should be grateful, you know. Your parents are alive. I keep seeing the way mine were brutally murdered everytime I close my eyes. The blood… the tears…the agony..I’m still trying to piece the whole thing together. Maybe when I do I’ll tell you all I can remember (if I can bear to talk about it). I only just realised the awful scenes playing in my head happens to be my parents’ murder. I’m still trying to get the murderer’s face..it all comes in flashes. Quick flashes of the whole thing and then I just black out plus there’s always missing time gaps after the episodes. I remember nothing of the hours in-between. And NO! I’m not seeing a psychologist.I’ll deal with it myself. I feel drained already.
Take care sweets.